Coffee For Me (Swaroop Agaskar)

COFFEE, TEA OR ME!

The thought as I entered the café coffee day outlet for the first time was: Whatever happened to the good old waiter from Hotel Ratna with a cap on his head, a small pad and a pencil in his hand?. Here, I was face to face with a replacement damsel across the counter. It was something about the girl or the counter that made me think I would be at the receiving end today.

"What would you wish to have?" never had a question lent wings to my imagination in the way this one had. My thoughts flew through the windows of my mind, visited numerous locales throughout the world, with a stowaway aboard. It was either my staid silence or the silly stare that made her rephrase the question, "what would you like to have?" Two questions, Two minutes, One result.

I made my eyes go through one of the most difficult ordeals of their lifetime, taking them off her and onto the list of beverages available. The list of coffees available, were as lengthy as the monthly grocery list, the only difference was that the coffee was costlier. One thing was sure when Frank Sinatra crooned that there was an awful lot of coffee in Brazil, he had never visited one of this places. I once again remembered that good old waiter, who used to give you two simple options for coffee, Filter coffee or Nescafe (or Nes- coffee as it used to be pronounced).

I was politely asked to move aside to allow others to place the order, while I took my time to decide. If the placard listing enlightened me that there was nothing I knew about coffee, the conversation beside me added to my knowledge that I was equally uneducated about another thing - Sugar. Until now I knew three things about sugar, one- it was white, two it could be used to sweeten food. And thirdly as a word, acts as a substitute for past mistakes whose names you have forgotten. Here was the form of sugar, which, all my life I was supposed to be keep away from, "brown sugar", moreover, this was actually brown. (Yeah, I do know a bit about wrong sugars).

I was still searching for a coffee, that I could relate to and order, a coffee name, which I knew perhaps. I had gone over "cappuccino", but I let it go because I wasn't sure how it was pronounced. Finally I found it, that brand of coffee, which used to be available at Mumbai Railway stalls, but like the charms of the city, slowly disappeared from the scene. "Espresso". Great, I knew the coffee; the taste and best part was that I could pronounce it.

I was finally the guy with a newfound confidence. I was geared up to place the order and to face the girl. The flashing smile and sparkling eyes, now I knew, what makes coffee sell like hot cakes in this place. I gave one last look at the placard, a look of a man who has tasted them all and not sure what he wanted to go in for today. I gave an exasperated look and said " Espresso". I wasn't the first one to play act in here for sure. That I was seen right through, was let known to me in one line: "espresso wont come with a froth on the top?". "Wont?" "No that's cappuccino". There was one thing, I thought I knew about coffee, even this myth was broken. There was an added confusion, " unless you have a machiatto" "Machiato?"…" Yup, that would be an espresso, which is actually black strong coffee topped with milk foam". "not steam foam" she added rubbing it right in.

"So espresso would only be strong black coffee?" Yes unless you go in for Espresso Americano, Cafe Latte or light Espresso.

"Why not go for café Mocha, which is hot coffee with a swirl of chocolate?" I couldn't take a decision on it since it was my mind that was swirling with the aftershocks of the Espresso range. There was more it come Kenyan Safari was a type of coffee, so was a Columbian named Juan Valdez. The final letdown of my pauper like knowledge was "Irish Coffee" without whiskey, drinking that would be like watching superman without his cape. I was still in the hot coffee section. I just skipped the cold section because I felt that the "coffee on the rocks", the first item on the list was an insult to scotch. There was ice-blended coffee and also cream blended ones. If all this wasn't conspiracy enough against coffee naive guys like me, they had a range of add-ons.

Finally, I decided upon one thing I was really sure of. "Tea". "I'll have tea". This time before I could be cross-questioned, I added, "Assam tea, small leaves if possible, with water brought only to a boil. Two teaspoons of regular sugar. But please make sure its put before you start boiling the water". Egged on by her bewildered expression I continued," make sure you put one teaspoon of tea leaves after the water comes to a boil and allow it to "steep" for exactly four minutes. Also don't make it a heaped teaspoon; a Teaspoon holds the exact amount required for a cup of tea. I think that's why it's called a teaspoon. Also make sure you switch off the burner or the electric kettle after you put the tea to "steep". Or else it gets bitter. Also please see that that color of the broth doesn't turn dark brown."

She replied, "I am sorry. We only serve one kind of Assam tea, and the way we make it is not as you have said"." Then you only know as much about tea, as much as I know about coffee." I smiled. " Well give me whatever tea you have, but frankly you need to have more teas listed under the hot beverages section."

"I know ", she replied with a smile," thank god, you didn't ask for the "Annas" chai or the "bhats" chai. I am not a coffee person myself but an avid tea drinker. And although they don't make serve the kind of tea you want here, I do sure know how to make it and by the way, tea is steeped only for three and a half minutes minutes, it gets bitter after that and Assam tea never has small leaves, that's china tea. I work till seven and its six, your order might take at least 90 minutes to be ready"

…And I said, "Well, maybe for a change I shall wait till you serve me, I think this is the beginning of a very very long friendship. But next time I walk in, make sure you ask, " Coffee, tea or me?".

- Swaroop (swaroop@agaskars.com)